Return of the Opalescent Ghost
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No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful
-They Might Be Giants, “Don’t Let’s Start”
This is the song that’s been stalking me today. All morning, this far into my afternoon, still going.
Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful
I always thought the second line of the verse was “everybody dies, first they’re dead inside, and that is beautiful” which is what I’ve been hearing in my head, the same way I’ve been hearing it since 1987. Live and learn.
I’ve mentioned here before that a couple of dear friends gave me an oracle deck* for my birthday this summer.
*The Wild Unknown Animal Spirit Deck & Guidebook, which is great
Maybe when you pull cards for yourself, if that’s something you do, you’re always wide open to whatever you receive and you’re not hoping for a positive, exciting one. I try to adopt that kind of good student attitude when I pull cards but mostly I’m faking it. I would like all wins, please, all day.
I pulled a couple of cards lately that I didn’t want
“and that is beautiful”
Moth
impulsive, hasty, wishful
The Moth is sure the grass is greener on the other side. Moth energy is at play when we’re attracted to easy solutions or anything “shiny and new”. This can lead to unfinished projects, disappointment, or burnout. It’s helpful to remind moth personalities that life is complex. No matter the illusion, no one is exempt from the trials and tribulations of this great journey. Practice seeing life as an infinite mystery rather than wishing it was easier or different.
WHEN IN BALANCE: enthusiastic, whimsical
WHEN OUT OF BALANCE: idealizes others, jittery
TO BRING INTO BALANCE: finish a project
Earthworm
shy, hesitant, reluctant to share inner vision
We all have felt the woes of the Earthworm at some point along the way. The Earthworm indicates a newbie or novice working to establish confidence in a new field. Others around you may seem wise and experienced, but it’s important to remember they once felt Earthworm energy too. This card is a reminder not to be intimidated or lose hope. Mastery takes time, and you’re on the right track. Besides, rumor has it a beginner’s mind offers the most valuable insights.
WHEN IN BALANCE: earnest, intelligent, valuable
WHEN OUT OF BALANCE: self conscious, apprehensive
TO BRING INTO BALANCE: speak up, risk embarrassment
Oh, cards. These weren’t the animals I was looking for.
I was offended by the term “moth personalities”, first of all. How dare you, Wild Unknown Animal Spirit Deck. I don’t even like moths. Now this is supposed to be my whole personality.
Yes, when I’m in balance I am enthusiastic and whimsical. Yes, when I’m out of balance I idealize others and become jittery. Yes, I get excited about new ideas and start a lot of projects and don’t finish them.
I recognize the moth in me. Fine. That’s real.
Earthworm. The earth part is lovely. Worm. Okay, motherfucker. This better be good.
Shyness, hesitation, reluctance, yes, all the time, I feel those things all the time. A newbie! Working to establish confidence! The nerve. I’ve been writing steadily on the internet for eighteen years! I’m not new! I have been trying off-and-on for years to bring a novel to life. That’s new. I’m not naturally a fiction writer. And when I’m in moth-form, idealizing writers who are well-known and successful and have completed and published books, fiction and otherwise, yes, yes, I lose myself and become shy and become…a worm. Fine.
I can accept these animals. I’m not fighting them.
Something is up. Some shift is in the air.
I do have something steadier in me than a moth or an earthworm. And I do have something in me that’s much lighter than a struggler.
I get embarrassed about my moth nature, my changeability. I am built to zigzag around and when I have to stay in one place for too long, mentally, something in me feels held down.
Lately I’m feeling heavy when I show up to write Clown Class. I feel tethered, burdened. I don’t want to feel this way so I…pretend that I don’t. I spent a few hours yesterday writing an entirely different post to publish today and when I emerged to have dinner with my family, I was so tired I could barely talk.
Something in the venture is unsustainable. My body doesn’t want to stay tethered to struggle any more.
I love and always will love strugglers. I love other people, too. I identify with strugglers, identify as a struggler sometimes. By no means am I only a struggler, though. I’m as many things as anyone.
I had two excellent talks about this, one last night with my husband (which was mostly him talking while I wept out “uh huh” and “that sounds right”) and one today with my dear friend Alissa. They both gave me wise, loving counsel. Each of them individually suggested that Clown Class is/was/could be considered
a season
a project
a limited exploration
and—like some of you wonderful ones who read along have told me—that it’s not too important what I call what I’m doing, what shape I give it, that you’re just here to hang out with me and read what I write, whatever it is.
That means everything to me, by the way.
Before I wrote Clown Class, for those who are new here, I wrote a newsletter called The Weekly Zephyr for a few years.
In between The Weekly Zephyr and Clown Class I wrote three issues of something I called “Tina Rowley’s House at the Four Corners” but that content felt too private so I went into creative hibernation again until I woke up one morning with the words “Clown Class” in my ear, a concept hanging in the air that woke me up and got me back to work.
I’m including, below, an issue from a few years ago that I’ve transferred over from the Weekly Zephyr. An idea grabbed hold of me with unusual force when I wrote the issue, which was called The Opalescent Ghost. An Opalescent Ghost is something I assert that we all have and I need my own Opalescent Ghost now. I haven’t been listening to it.
(I was going to give the piece away for free again but then I realized I did that once already and I think it’s valuable. There’s a whole issue up top here anyway for everyone.)
Clown Class is not going to stay Clown Class. I’m going to evolve this newsletter into something that lets me change more. I am who I am, a mercurial creature. This experiment is drawing to a close. I will want to be embarrassed by this but I’m not going to let myself. Some of you will think this is perfectly great and some people will roll their eyes. Some of you will unsubscribe and I’m hoping many more of you will stay with me and trust me.
I want to be with you all, still. I love talking to you and I love it when you talk to me. I’ll be here in some form next week, next Wednesday. It is my eternal wish to make something good for you that feels good to me, too. Let’s see what happens.
In the meantime, right this way for The Opalescent Ghost.
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