I got an email response from a reader that I liked so much that I asked if I could share it anonymously here:
What a wonderful response, Tina! The grandfather will have a marvelous and fulfilling time and that over the years will become a great gift to the granddaughter.
I recalled a beautiful, but awful, sea trip on a ghastly ship with my husband's relatives. To say they were not easy to be around is an understatement.
I ended up running away from the ship at ports, often with the youngsters, including my children and their young cousins. Sometimes I wandered alone, happily talking with women vendors in local markets, but more often I took the youngsters to enjoy beaches, the sea, and nature and to explore historic places. We all had a marvelous time and I felt free.
Today, my memories are of happy, exploratory times!
As always, Tina, really excellent advice on this potentially fraught situation. Not knowing any more of the family dynamics than we have from their letter, I think you gave so many beautiful scenarios and ‘takes’ to explore and help them take hold of their situation, a most suitable skill for navigating the choppy seas between adolescence and adulthood, and families! And the bit about offloading Shame, very important! Toss that shit, rise higher!
Not knowing the financial situation with this family, of course, but I will say that it feels diminishing of their mom to basically bust them down to “child sleeping in parents room” when a previously uninvited couple is considered, and not recognizing their inherent adult need for a personal space (which had been reserved for them even before the short-lived “Event Guy” relationship) so I heartily concur on standing up and claiming that space for their own single self. Also, love the grandpa stuff, I really hope they can make some gorgeous real moments together!
Finally, I too add my hearty YES! to the (growing) groundswell about hearing how it goes with our letter writer!
This was such a joy for me to read! As we who are no longer young deal with the things we deal with these days, witnessing the longing-for-adulthood feelings of youth sends me on a journey of all the doubts I've slain, and those that I am still working on. Your advice to this writer is gorgeous, if there's anything I wish my younger self could have dispatched sooner, it's shame. When I finally started seeing my wonderful therapist, and she told me "shame is an unhelpful emotion", it changed my life. And the bit about seeing the unfolding of your play, your rich pageant, is incredibly helpful. I think about the invention of the acronym FOMO, and how it holds all the insecurities we carry about how we're not doing it right. To know that that is actually impossible is incredibly freeing.
Letter Writer, I hope you have a magnificent time at that magnificent place (still on my bucket list), and let us know how it goes!
I loved thinking about this letter, I loved the beautiful + tender dilemma explained so sincerely, I feel lucky I got to hold this dilemma and apply attention to it.
With you all the way on wanting to know how it goes! If our letter-writer doesn’t visit these comments I will privately let them know there’s a groundswell of interest in a post-trip update. (Two of us can be a groundswell if we act big like we’re trying to intimidate a bear!)
Tina, I ducking love this post so much. As a drama therapist on sabbatical, it didn’t even occur to me that this is not the end of the play for me. It’s my next act.
There is HOPE!!!
Sometimes we forget to use the tools that are right there in front of our noses.
Dorothy, I could not be one bit gladder that this post was part of a hope delivery system for you. And hey! You’re on sabbatical! That’s the perfect time for a drama therapist to not remember that it’s not the end of the play. Love *you*!
I got an email response from a reader that I liked so much that I asked if I could share it anonymously here:
What a wonderful response, Tina! The grandfather will have a marvelous and fulfilling time and that over the years will become a great gift to the granddaughter.
I recalled a beautiful, but awful, sea trip on a ghastly ship with my husband's relatives. To say they were not easy to be around is an understatement.
I ended up running away from the ship at ports, often with the youngsters, including my children and their young cousins. Sometimes I wandered alone, happily talking with women vendors in local markets, but more often I took the youngsters to enjoy beaches, the sea, and nature and to explore historic places. We all had a marvelous time and I felt free.
Today, my memories are of happy, exploratory times!
I would like to rest in the expansive cradle of your imagination and compassion forever and ever.
You are a wonder, Tina!
That is the LOVELIEST. Thank you!!
As always, Tina, really excellent advice on this potentially fraught situation. Not knowing any more of the family dynamics than we have from their letter, I think you gave so many beautiful scenarios and ‘takes’ to explore and help them take hold of their situation, a most suitable skill for navigating the choppy seas between adolescence and adulthood, and families! And the bit about offloading Shame, very important! Toss that shit, rise higher!
Not knowing the financial situation with this family, of course, but I will say that it feels diminishing of their mom to basically bust them down to “child sleeping in parents room” when a previously uninvited couple is considered, and not recognizing their inherent adult need for a personal space (which had been reserved for them even before the short-lived “Event Guy” relationship) so I heartily concur on standing up and claiming that space for their own single self. Also, love the grandpa stuff, I really hope they can make some gorgeous real moments together!
Finally, I too add my hearty YES! to the (growing) groundswell about hearing how it goes with our letter writer!
Listen, there are *three* of us in the groundswell now. We can scarcely be resisted! (And thank you, Jessica!)
This was such a joy for me to read! As we who are no longer young deal with the things we deal with these days, witnessing the longing-for-adulthood feelings of youth sends me on a journey of all the doubts I've slain, and those that I am still working on. Your advice to this writer is gorgeous, if there's anything I wish my younger self could have dispatched sooner, it's shame. When I finally started seeing my wonderful therapist, and she told me "shame is an unhelpful emotion", it changed my life. And the bit about seeing the unfolding of your play, your rich pageant, is incredibly helpful. I think about the invention of the acronym FOMO, and how it holds all the insecurities we carry about how we're not doing it right. To know that that is actually impossible is incredibly freeing.
Letter Writer, I hope you have a magnificent time at that magnificent place (still on my bucket list), and let us know how it goes!
I loved thinking about this letter, I loved the beautiful + tender dilemma explained so sincerely, I feel lucky I got to hold this dilemma and apply attention to it.
With you all the way on wanting to know how it goes! If our letter-writer doesn’t visit these comments I will privately let them know there’s a groundswell of interest in a post-trip update. (Two of us can be a groundswell if we act big like we’re trying to intimidate a bear!)
Tina, I ducking love this post so much. As a drama therapist on sabbatical, it didn’t even occur to me that this is not the end of the play for me. It’s my next act.
There is HOPE!!!
Sometimes we forget to use the tools that are right there in front of our noses.
Brilliant post. Saving in my archives.
Love you.
Dorothy, I could not be one bit gladder that this post was part of a hope delivery system for you. And hey! You’re on sabbatical! That’s the perfect time for a drama therapist to not remember that it’s not the end of the play. Love *you*!